The Most Me

I wrote a post here in July of 2011. I was in a place of wanting to figure out myself and what I wanted out of life on a deep level.

From Spring 2011 onward, I went through about 10 months of lots of soul searching, lots of guilt, and feeling pulled in so many different directions. I wanted to figure out what truly made me happy and what made me feel the most "me." I had reached a point where my faith did not sit right with me anymore and I wanted to live a life without that to see how that felt. I can only say all of things because this has been something I have been really thinking about over the past two years and I now feel compelled to say it out loud---via the blog world.

The worst part of this choice is I felt estranged from everyone for quite some time. My family was always my family and accepted me as such. But, when I ventured away from strict Christianity, I felt guilty if I talked to any of those former friends, and I just wasn't ready to have any of "those" conversations.  Consequently, those friendships vanished. I had to start from scratch, which was lonely. It felt awkward for a long time--like I was in limbo between my former self and who I was becoming. I

I now no longer feel like my former self and "what I was becoming" are two separate worlds. I've begun to connect with a few old friends again because I finally feel right in my own skin. I feel like myself and I can finally talk about it. I still feel like I may disappoint people or draw uncomfortable comments/conversations. I will never be "okay" with that fact, but I am comfortable enough because I have finally gained enough confidence in myself. 

I cannot say I have it all figured out in the least, but I feel happier in the process. I am figuring out my spirituality and faith day-by-day as I continue to strive for what makes me feel the most "me." Looking back on that quote I posted 2 years ago, speaks volumes to what I've been doing over the past 2 years--letting go of the life I had planned in order to figure out what is ahead of me. It's that simple.

Life Update 4.5: Sister's Wedding #2

When I got home for the wedding (a mere week before the big event), I found out that my sister had planned just about ZERO decorations for all the extra tables at the reception. Cards, gifts, guestbook, cake...all the extra junk. 

Over the months leading up to the wedding, my sister kept complaining about how my mom kept buying "unnecessary" paraphernalia for the wedding. {Something very characteristic of my overly prepared mother.} I got to play the middleman as they complained commented about each other. Oh, the joys that can only come from a sister's wedding.

Nevertheless, we barely had anything left after decorating for the rehearsal dinner {that my sister casually asked my mom to do the DAY before} and planning for misc. reception tables.

....that awkward moment when your mom reminds you that she is a genius and always right....yet again....

Fortunately, I was there to save the day with my creative flair (utilizing a majority of the "unnecessary" stuff my mom bought). I don't have the final pictures of the decor, but here is a little taste. Also, a link to the post of Shutterfly guestbook I had to have rush delivered for her special day! 

Sign for guest book and ceremony seating

This banner hung on the mirror above the gift table

{Mom, I realize you did most of the work on all the decorations, but I like to continue to take credit when it's not my own---just to keep up with tradition}

The sisters & mama before she walked down the aisle

It was a beautiful wedding with great touches added by my intelligent, hilarious, creative sister. She even had my oldest sister perform with her modern dance group!  Hair, make-up, and spray tan brought to you by my sister's pocketbook--beauty care is always best when paid for by other people.

I, of course, cried through my maid of honor speech--yet totally nailed the jokes. VERY proud of myself to this day because I'm terrible at public speaking.  We danced to a live jazz band and I successfully got Jaylen (my 5 year old niece) to dance with me. You can check out real photos from the night via the photographer's website. 

Dancing, drinks, family, and celebration = a perfect affair.

My snookered sister at the end of the night...

Life Update 4: Sister's Wedding #1

One of the most exciting events of the past year has been my sister's wedding.

I got to play maid of honor...which honestly didn't require much work. I still feel guilty by the fact that I didn't do much. I blame it on the fact that I live all the way up in Seattle AND was in my first year of insanity teaching.  Other times I like to tell myself that my sister is just a very independent and decisive person who likes to make decisions for herself. The jury is still out on this one....

I did get to plan her bachelorette party that ended up being perfect for her. {I'll happily pat myself on the back for this one since it was a surprising success.} Good to know I actually know my sister pretty well.  Here's the invite made on Tiny Prints--the printing website I like to use when I am willing to pay a little extra for cute and high quality items.

This format worked perfectly as people could casually linger in for drinks or choose to join later in the night. Or--for the lesser friends--choose to leave early {BOO!}. This allowed for more people to join and for the right people left at the end.















We started at one of her favorite places for drinks then headed over to Famous Dave's for some BBQ. Being theatre folk, all of her friends had great movie choices as gifts for Alyssa. Surprisingly enough, she didn't get any doubles OR movies she already owned! I wish I took pictures of the goody bags I made, but they included these sunglasses. My mom questioned this purchase, but as you can see I hit a homerun among her friends...

We ended the night at a live improv show. My sister has been involved in theatre since she could talk and used to coach a teen improv group, so it seemed appropriate. Luckily, she has some loud great theatre friends and drank just enough liquid confidence to end up on stage as part of a skit. She turned into an actress even on her walk to the stage....

It was an amazing night with my sister and a great start to my week home for the wedding. I attended a few kickboxing classes with her over the week that thoroughly kicked my butt... However, I learned how exhilarating it was to punch and kick something--definitely some anger management I'll use during the school year. 

Come back tomorrow for pictures and details about the wedding and reception!

Life Update 3: New Creations

I've made a handful of random things over the past two years. Here is yet another review with pictures...please excuse the fact that I obviously don't have an expensive camera or quality photography skills.

Clock for my classroom

Chocolate Whoopie Pies - Superbowl 2012
Bacon covered cheese ball made for Superbowl 2013

A few cards I made this summer. I LOVE to make homemade cards and definitely need to tap into this creative part of myself more often. It's so exciting to pop these in the mail and send my creation to someone special.

Very excited about this one. Picture & quote display in my studio apartment.
I call it my Happiness Wall

Far away view. Excuse the mess & the poor photo quality...

Wall Display made of shoe boxes, a lid, & some scrapbook paper--displays my items collected from traveling

Alcohol Bouquet - August 2012

Close up of Connor's Birthday bouquet

Beer Cake - Connor's birthday 2012

One of my favorite people to make things for is Connor--of course {my dad is the 1st favorite though}.

I've made a few great cards and a "52 things I love about you" on the back of playing cards book that I definitely need to take pictures of...

Edward's Profile - Christmas 2012

Wine & Painting Class - December 2012 

Life Update 2: The Boy

I briefly introduced the really great boy via this blog two years ago.  He's obviously become a staple in my life and definitely helped me figure myself out over the past two years. 

His name is Connor and he's originally from San Antonio, Texas. He {unfortunately} loves the Spurs NBA team and fantasy football.  I've gone from hating his drafting sessions to him teaching me how to score in fantasy and potentially having my own team this year....

He's very smart--a biochemistry & economics major who attended Wake Forest in North Carolina. He's also very handsome and hilarious and I still can't get enough of him two years later. We're sometimes opposites and sometimes exactly alike.

Fourth of July 2011 at a lake in Eastern WA

He loves metal & Southern Rap.
I love country & singer/songwriters.

He loves the San Antonio Spurs.
I love the Phoenix Suns.

He needs to be reminded of something if it is further than 30 minutes away.
I am a planner.

He loves talk radio and podcasts.
I'd rather poke my eyes out.

Whale Watching in the San Juan Islands - 7/11

Sea Hawks Pre-Season Game - Fall 2011

Christmas Party 2011

UW Graduation June 2012

Cabo San Lucas,  Mexico - June 2012

Christmas Party 2012

US v Panama - World Cup Qualifier Soccer Match - May 2013

Victoria, BC - June 2013

We both 

...think he's funny...

...like karaoke

...like soccer 

...love our dogs

...love to cook

...love to drink

...love to play video games

...aaaaand happen to really like each other. 

{Don't worry...no more cheesy blog posts. Just had to get this one out of my system}

Life Update 1: The Dogs

Over the next few days {or whatever it ends up being}, I am going to post pictures with some life updates simply because I feel like it's compulsory after being absent for two years.

My favorite part of my life--and the aspect that takes up the most time/patience/money--is our two dogs.

Connor adopted a dog a year and a half ago. His name is Edward Norton--a beagle, pug, dachshund mix who is about 4 years old. He loves any small prey animal--squirrels, birds, flies, anything that moves. He loves people and loves attention. He will happily jump onto anyone's lap and practically shakes his hind end off when people come over.

He absolutely loves to cuddle and even gets to sleep in the bed under the covers in the winter. He has a lot of stylish clothing--puffy vest pictured below--and even supports the Spurs with his collar. For the record, Edward is not very photogenic, so he's about 50 times cuter in real life.

I adopted Russell almost 5 months ago.  I've decided {with some help from google image} that he is a Beagle & Manchester Terrier mix. He's about 18 months old and can very much act like a puppy. He has much more energy than Edward and often spins in circles for a few minutes when he wakes up each morning. He prefers to chew his toys instead of getting pets--his favorite toy is pictured below.

I swear he's just now finding out that being pet can be enjoyable, so he's starting to enjoy humans more. He LOVES to drink water--especially when he comes from the toilet {...we're working on that}. He's also much less stubborn than Edward, so I've been able to teach him many more tricks over the past few months. 

We try to take Russell and Edward almost everywhere we go and have found many restaurants around Seattle that will allow dogs. However, Russell is still learning to not try to kill other dogs when he's on his leash....  I often find myself walking by shouting over the barking, "I promise he's really friendly!"

After a few territorial spats over the first month or so, they've become good friends. Russell is definitely the annoying little brother, but Edward tolerates him well.  I swear he misses Edward when he's not around! I could post dog pictures for days, but I'll leave you with this one--Russell posing showing his Husky support with his UW tag. 

Alyssa's Wedding Guestbook

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9th Grade: The months and years after State

As I reacquaint myself with the {now much more involved} world of Blogger, I began reading through old posts. It is strange to think some of those thoughts came out of my head. Some of the things I talked about honestly seem like they were written by a different person.

I was going through endless reflection and soul searching post-break up (Spring 2011) that I think I was an entirely different person then.

Regardless of any of that brain dump, I realized that I never finished the "3-part series" that I started about my friend's death. You can read about it here--Part 1: 9th grade: The day before State and Part 2: 9th grade: The days and weeks after State. I am going to attempt to finish this story.

The months and years after this life-changing event--the suicide of a friend--were somehow always defined by that event in some way. Whenever things got really difficult or I would find some insecurity I had harbored, it drew back to the fears I'd created surrounding this event. It shocks me to this day that I allowed myself to be defined by that event for such a long time.

My love for helping people work through their problems led me to choose Psychology and Family & Human Development as degrees in college. I wanted to fix people. I wanted to figure them out and fix them all so that people wouldn't have to hurt anymore.

You can imagine how this seeped into my relationships--particularly romantic ones. For a long time, I dated guys who I was ultimately just not that into and just wanted them to need me. Ew...that feels gross to say out loud. Over time, I moved on to guys who pushed me to be a better version of myself. Still to this day I am reminding myself to love for what is instead of how I think it should be. You can ask my boyfriend that I don't always do this very well, as he often reminds me that I've told him I accept all of him. {In these moments, I begrudgingly remember...}

The happy part of this drive to fix people was that my Human Developmental program at Arizona State required me to work in a developmental preschool on campus. It was in this classroom where I discovered I loved children...who knew? Soon enough, I zoomed off to Australia and took an internship in a special education preschool.  If you would've asked me in high school if I thought I was going to grow up to be a teacher--I would've laughed. I was convinced I was bad at teaching anyone (mostly because of failed attempts to teach an ex-boyfriend calculus). Anyway, I am rambling. Moral of the story was to say that all these life events lead me right to where I am today--helping young children with special needs find their potentials.

I'm glad I waited to end this little series because I obviously hadn't reached a point in my life where I could fully process this difficult memory and its effect on my life. It is also kind of astonishing to see how this event, in part, led me to where I am today in such a positive way. The best part of writing this 3rd phase in the story 2 years later is that I no longer feel defined by this event.

Please hold your applause.

I'm baaaaack...

I forgot I even had this thing. In September 2011, I deleted myself from the online world. Closed down my Facebook and stopped reading my Google Reader blogs.

As I was doing all my soul searching that summer, I realized I was comparing myself to everyone I was reading about online. It was such a vicious cycle day-after-day. Everyone else seemed to be having more of something that I wanted.

"Sally lives a perfect life--beautiful children, loving husband, immaculate house with infinite time to make endlessly adorable DIY home decor."

I mean, come on, no one really lives like that. I have finally reached a point of maturity where I can recognize that. Thank goodness. It really is quite a relief. I am now back in the Facebook world and finally looking at things in a new light--wow, I actually have the job I went to school for and a great life and managed to have no children.

High five to myself.

Something happened to me this summer--or maybe slowly over the past two years--that has drastically changed me. Maybe that's just called growing up, but it feels so good. I am definitely living the time of my life right now and feel more myself than ever before. I feel like I am who I want to be (yet still a work in progress) and feel okay in my own skin.  I feel like I have mellowed out significantly--to the point where I can't imagine how insufferable I was to deal with before now.

Thank you to everyone that has stuck it out with me.

I started a real job last year as a preschool special educator just south of Seattle. I earned a real paycheck along with real stress. At my lowest point, I even had to take some over-the-counter pills to help me fall asleep because my mind would constantly race about my classroom. However, by the end of the year, I would just start planning behavior plans as I was laying in bed and would fall instantly to sleep. Glad I mastered that one.

Over the past few weeks, I have been searching preschool and special education blogs as inspiration for next year. I feel like I have a much better shot at being the teacher I want to be next year than I ever had last year. In all honesty, I can't tell you what happened most of last fall. My mind has literally blacked it out. My students survived through the end of the school year with no major injuries, and learned how to sing a song about toothbrushing. Success.

One blogger talked about all the different hats she wears as a special educator, and that really struck me. Another relief that I am not the only one who feels like I have to walk in many different shoes throughout each day--sometimes two different shoes at the same time. I spent most of the year wondering which pair of shoes I needed to wear at which different time...so much so that I never stayed in one pair of shoes long enough to feel like I broke them in.

Point of this story--> I am going to focus on unravelling these different roles I need to play as a teacher and a special educator over the next year via this blog. Feel free to join me on the journey.

Taking it all in strides

Well it's been 24 hours since I decided to change my perspective on life and I already have another piece of reflection.

I realize it is not enough just to take a deep breathe and accept things that don't go according to my expectations. I also need to appreciate things and people for how and who they are.

For instance, I was super frustrated with unexpected traffic yesterday, and was not provided with words of encouragement but rather asked if I would get there in time to leave for the game. I told myself not to be upset with said person, but then recognized that I needed to appreciate where he was coming from. It wasn't that he didn't care that I was in traffic, but I was already running late to get to the game and he loves his soccer games.

I'm not sure if that all makes sense, but I'm just realizing that taking things in stride also involves appreciating things where they are at.

With that, I also had a realization this morning. Despite all the smaller things in life that are continually going "wrong," I am sort of living the dream. I have always wanted to live outside of Arizona--on my own from my family, doing things on my own, paying bills, grocery shopping, the whole nine yards. I have successfully done that for the past year. I am pursuing a career that I am absolutely passionate about and have a knack for, which are two things that people cannot often say together about their careers. Although I am not near my family (a catch 22 of my dream life), I am still close enough with them, they are all healthy, and I even get to be involved in birthday parties via video chat. I have a great place to live, a job to keep myself busy (and pay the bills of course), and time to bake all sorts of goodies. This is glass half full, folks. I have quite the dream life and I need to start remembering that a bit more.

I can't forget to mention one important piece. I met someone new. A new boy who I have been too scared to talk about with many people for fear of hearing "isn't it too soon?" To be honest with you though, I am finally convinced that it is not too soon after the past week or so. I was under the impression that I was too much of a mess to be able to give anything good into a new relationship. Through many not easy conversations, I've finally been convinced that I'm wrong.

And let me tell you. This boy is cute...maybe even smokin' hot. He pushes me when I need to be pushed and reminds me that I am worth the fight. I did not expect this in the least and definitely dug my heels in the sand telling him and everyone that I wasn't sure this was the best idea for right now. But then I just couldn't get enough of him. He makes me smile and laugh uncontrollably. I have honestly had some of the best weekends of my life this summer--and I do not say that lightly. I could gush about this for quite a while, but wouldn't want to make ya'll jealous. I'll leave you with the fact that I am really happy and things are so good.

Seattle is 70 degrees today and I am going to happy hour with boy and friends after work. Even with the boy I nanny throwing things at me and yelling that I am evil--this day cannot be ruined. Here's to looking at life as glass half full.

Perfection

Perfectionism is such an interesting vice. It is one of those strength-weaknesses that you spout in an interview. Well you see, I am very detail-oriented which ensures high quality work, but sometimes I get caught up in wanting things to be perfect instead of moving on.

I often value perfectionism—I tell myself that it helps me strive toward being the best version of myself or doing my best work on a project. You know, if you are striving toward perfection then you’re trying your hardest. Sounds like a pretty rational thought process, right?

Today, I had a revelation that this couldn’t be further from the truth. Who knew it would be such a slippery slope.

When I take a look at nearly every stressor, relational argument, or self-criticism—they all revolve around perfection. I either expect perfection in others or myself and it is quite demoralizing on all accounts. I can never win in the game of perfection, and neither can anyone else for that matter. This is definitely something I have realized before on a smaller scale, but I am beginning to comprehend the negative attributes of perfectionism now more than ever.

I have all these expectations for people, which I think is a pretty normal thing…right? Expectations come from all sorts of places and they are okay to have as long as you cut people some slack when they don’t meet your every expectation. This is where the ugly perfectionism runs in to wreak havoc.

For instance, say I expect someone to arrive at 6:30. He said he would leave his house in a half hour, which would be around 6. Add about 20 minutes driving time (because I am feeling nice) and a few minutes for slack (feeling extra nice) and call it 6:30. You follow me? Then when said person arrives at 6:50—I can’t figure out what went wrong and feel frustrated. {I promise this scenario is hypothetical….ha…I wish}

When you tie perfectionism up with my love for planning, you get scenarios such as the above story quite often. I expect perfection according to my expectations. And goodness gracious—how incredibly ugly is that scenario? {Wouldn’t you all just love to date me? Sounds fun, right?}

Lately, I have been feeling like nothing is happening according to plan—jobs, health, relationships, living situations, car problems, dinner menus, baked goods, arrival times, and everything else under the sun (or more like under the clouds because we don’t get sun in Seattle). I can handle one or two things, but am feeling a big overwhelmed over here. I hit a wall yesterday wondering when it was going to stop. All I wanted was a rejuvenating summer, but the lemons just keep coming. I knew this was a perspective problem. I had to be positive in order to come out on top, but had no idea how I would muster the motivation to snap into positive land just one more time. The idea of it feels exhausting in and of itself.

I finally realized this morning that I am expecting my definition of perfection in every aspect of my life, which is slowly but surely tearing me down. The joke is on me--it is my own perspective that is eating me alive, not all of life's stressors. That is something I can definitely handle.

This has been eating at me for a while. I have always wanted to be a more easy going person, but could never figure out how to grasp that perspective. I think I found the path toward that today. I am going to slowly but steadily begin to accept the perspective that things will fall where they may and I need to take it all in stride. Sounds simple enough, but I am well aware it is an uphill battle slashing out perfectionism. Nonetheless, I am excited and hopeful.

Except for the fact that I probably won’t do this perfectly either. Darn it.

Another creation

I am the worst at follow through. I wanted to post all my homemade Christmas gifts for the world to see and I failed on 2 occasions.

1. Didn't actually post them (well only 2 of them)

2. Didn't actually take pictures of all of them

I am just glad all my projects were actually finished in time for Christmas. Two were finished at about 1 am Christmas morning.... Procrastination at its finest.

One gift I particularly loved making was for my sister, Jen. I am thoroughly obsessed with my niece, Jaylen, my sister's now 3-year-old munchkin. She is the best. No questions asked. For Christmas 2009, I gave Jen a decorated wooden block of pictures of JJ from throughout her first year and a half of life. This past Christmas I decided I am going to make it a tradition and decorate a block every year of Jaylen pictures from the past year. We'll see how long this tradition actually lasts--I feel like Jaylen will think it is creepy once she reaches about age 12.

Here are pictures of the creation!

Can't you imagine how cute all these blocks will look together in a few years? I can't wait.

Life is funny

For about the past month now, I have been wading around with this cloud over my head.

My wonderful dermatologist decided to throw out to me that I might have PCOS.

Her: "OH! You might have PCOS which is common in people with chronic acne...(words trail off as I begin to process what in the world she just said)"

Me: "PC..what? what?"

Her: "Oh PCOS, you know, that's Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome {oh, of course}--it's pretty common in women but it's just a possibility. You should talk to your gynecologist {Yeah we're besties, I'll shoot her a text}. So...I'm thinking we should try acctuane. {...yeah over my dad's dead body}"

Me: (in my head because she won't stop talking) "Cysts? What even is that exactly? In my ovaries? What does that mean? Wait accutane? WTF! Sure lady, sign me up."

{please catch the severe sarcasm...The background on miss dermatologist is a whole other story not worth mentioning. Moral of her story: she sucks.}

What is PCOS you ask? Look it up here. Sounds like a lot of fun, right?

So this began a month ago. I have had this looming cloud of possible PCOS without many answers from doctors, but just an excessive waiting game. Just when life got good again. Just when I am literally having the best weekends of my life. Life is funny. It couldn't let me just enjoy myself, but had to throw a curve ball. I guess I should be so fortunate that this {possible} bomb dropped in a particularly happy time in my life. That's just the way things go. But let me tell you one thing, I wouldn't change my summer for a second {and that's a story for another post}.

Well, one gyno visit and one hormone blood test later and we have reached today. The day for a pelvic ultrasound. An ultrasound? Aren't those for pregnant ladies? Yes, I thought the same thing. So they just rub the goo and little camera thing across your stomach, right? Again, that sounds like what I imagined walking into the hospital this morning. But oh no...they have to poke and prod your insides too. No big deal... Why did no one warn me about this? Why is the only info I have about PCOS still from webMD? {apart from my lack of asking questions due to shock}. I {supposedly} find out the results tomorrow, but reflecting on the way things have gone I doubt that will be the case. I would like to wave my white flag and let someone else win the waiting game. I'm definitely over it.

After my exam today I decided to celebrate. No more pity parties. I have come to realize that I am very thankful that no matter what the results are (PCOS or not) that it is not a death sentence in the least. As my level-headed sister put it "medical science will have (my) back." Who knew those words would be so comforting.

In order to celebrate, I bought a delectable breakfast sandwich from Homegrown along with a delicious coffee. Since the sun was just beginning to peak through the clouds, I went and sat at Kerry Park which overlooks the Seattle skyline. {Like so}

I consumed my sandwich, basked in the sun, sipped my coffee, and leisurely read The Poisonwood Bible {which I just began last night and am already enthralled}. I sat for about an hour watching the tourists roll in and out--snapping pictures from every angle and with every combination of fellow travelers. I also am going to bake, do laundry and probably go for a run--all some of my favorite things. After all these wonderful activities, I get to end the day reading at the park while sharing dinner with one of my favorite people. As much as I hated the thought of today, it might have just turned it into one of the best days of summer.

Today is a pleasant {and much needed} reminder that life is good. So incredibly good.

She ran ahead where there were no paths.

Well it has been awhile. Summer has technically begun with being out of school and work, but Seattle is 58 degrees and raining today. I am not loving that fact and would even put up with 100 degrees in Arizona with a smile on my face.

You won't believe what happened. I didn't get to run my half marathon. I was supposed to pick up my race number and check in the day before the race. Guess when I realized that? 10 pm on Friday night as I was getting ready to go to bed. I saw in beautiful red words "no race number pick up on race day." After some tears, life went on. I need to get back to running again because I really miss it.

I feel like I have a lot to say right now, but am not sure how to put it all into words. I am in a much different place in my life than I was a month ago. I am learning a lot about myself and am happier than I have been in a long time. I feel like I am really living life and truly feel alive. I've never described myself as feeling alive, but that word accurately describes me right now. I am living by the quote below:

I am also doing more doing instead of trying. Instead of trying to improve ______, I am just doing it. I am not sure if that even makes sense, but I'll report back later with specifics. I will also finish my 9th grade series that began below. I've had a hard time putting the last section into words. Moral of this post: I am really happy. Really happy.