She ran ahead where there were no paths.

Well it has been awhile. Summer has technically begun with being out of school and work, but Seattle is 58 degrees and raining today. I am not loving that fact and would even put up with 100 degrees in Arizona with a smile on my face.

You won't believe what happened. I didn't get to run my half marathon. I was supposed to pick up my race number and check in the day before the race. Guess when I realized that? 10 pm on Friday night as I was getting ready to go to bed. I saw in beautiful red words "no race number pick up on race day." After some tears, life went on. I need to get back to running again because I really miss it.

I feel like I have a lot to say right now, but am not sure how to put it all into words. I am in a much different place in my life than I was a month ago. I am learning a lot about myself and am happier than I have been in a long time. I feel like I am really living life and truly feel alive. I've never described myself as feeling alive, but that word accurately describes me right now. I am living by the quote below:

I am also doing more doing instead of trying. Instead of trying to improve ______, I am just doing it. I am not sure if that even makes sense, but I'll report back later with specifics. I will also finish my 9th grade series that began below. I've had a hard time putting the last section into words. Moral of this post: I am really happy. Really happy.

9th grade: The days and weeks after State

You will want to read this first--9^th grade: The day before State-- as this post is the 2nd part of a 3 part series.

I obviously made it through. Our jr. high cheer squad won 3^rd…I think? Maybe even 4^th…? Funny how things that were so important at one point—are clearly not important in the long run. My co-ed club cheer squad probably got 1^st…? At that point in time AZ Heat was the #1 competitive cheer program in the state, so we usually won by sheer difficulty of our routines. That sounds arrogant, but I say that to say that I could’ve performed pretty poorly and we probably would have still won…no thanks to me at all.

The next week also consisted of a lot of tears. A lot of hard conversations. A few mixed CDs of sad songs that reminded me of my friend who had died {I still have these}. A nearly unbearable viewing. A funeral I wasn’t allowed to go to {Parents wouldn’t let me miss school and didn’t think it was right to let me wallow in that sadness anymore…probably for the better}.

Following Ryan’s suicide, I was introduced to new terms and ideas. Ryan had a chemical imbalance in his brain and they were trying new medication. Medications for this type of issue can have detrimental side effects—like pushing someone into deeper depression. I learned that what looked perfect on the outside of families is often not what it seems.

Every family has its issues and shortcomings. Things are not always what they seem. People are not always what they seem. People are not always as happy as they may seem. The idea that I could have done more as a friend to Ryan has not left me—even 8 years later.

I began to fear keeping anything to myself. I promised not to keep my negative thoughts to myself for fear I’d become depressed and then shut down and then not want to talk to anyone and maybe get so deep and dark that I’d want to commit suicide. I was terrified that would happen to me. I now realize this is irrational, but that’s just where I was at during that time.

I became an oversharer who gave everything in relationships with people. I gave up things at a split second if anyone needed me and stayed up way too late at night (when I should’ve done homework) to help friends solve their problems. I relied on others so much for my emotional wellbeing and expected people to know what to do with it. As you can imagine, this fed into a handful of difficult relationships, broken hearts, and lots of confusion. This process continued to change me in one way or another over the next few months and years.

An Understatement

To say I had a much-needed weekend away with my best friend would be quite an understatement. I had THE best weekend—relaxed, restored, and happy. One of my best friends from high school, Rachel, lives in Bakersfield with her husband and in-laws. When I was anticipating this weekend, many people gave me their unwelcomed opinion of “Bakersfield? What are you going to do there?”

I arrived Friday at noon and we headed to an infamous hot dog stand in LA. Hot dogs are without a doubt one of my favorite foods, so already an excellent start. We then proceeded to shop, shop, shop at The Grove shopping center in LA. We hit up Nordstrom, J Crew, Anthropologie, Victoria’s Secret, and the list goes on. I am not someone who loves shopping or does it when I am upset or anything like that. But the mix of the California sun, shopping for fun clothes, and most importantly the company of a long time best friend and I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt so happy.

Rachel and I became friends my junior year of high school through our mutual love of One Tree Hill. She owns all the seasons and from time to time we have been known to have marathons of our favorite show. Of course, we did a little of that this weekend as well. At the beginning of one of the episodes one of the characters said this quote:

"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there…because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else-something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize…you're happy."

It is totally cheesy and from a dramatic TV show, but it struck me. On Friday, I kept telling Rachel how happy I was. I literally felt high on something because I couldn’t stop smiling and felt more confident than I’d felt in so long. I was totally surprised by my own happiness and it was fabulous.

We didn’t do a whole lot this weekend but watch shows together, see a movie, and eat good food…but it was the greatest. Time with a best friend is so underestimated. It was just the healing I needed as I’m headed into an extremely stressful week. I feel {almost} stress free and excited about what’s next! Thank you for the much-needed weekend, Rachel. I’m so glad we’re still friends after all these years and can pick up like we hadn’t skipped a beat.

9th grade: The day before State

I remember 9^th grade fondly. Here I was: a co-captain of my freshman cheer squad, a cheerleader at a national champion cheer club {you can laugh to yourself, it’s okay}, sitting with all the football players at lunch (they were even my close friends and great friends at that), getting straight A’s in advanced classes, great group of fun girl friends who would be there through anything, with a wonderful and supportive family. Ninth grade looked like a phenomenal year and anyone looking at it from the outside would probably think I had it all.

But there is one day I will never forget that has changed me forever. It has changed the way I treat relationships, the way I view my family, the way I deal with a crisis, the way I share about my emotions.

It was the day before the state cheer competition—both of my squads were competing. {I hesitate to mention cheer for fear of not being taken seriously, but just go with me.} I hopped in my mom’s car after our last practice at AZ Heat (the club cheer) and we headed to my next practice for my freshman cheer squad. This was the first year our Jr. high had ever competed in a competition. My squad had worked SO hard to put together a stellar, competitive routine. Point being: this was a big deal and a highly stressful time. I casually picked up my phone to check a voicemail from my best friend thinking it was concerning our upcoming cheer practice. I was focused on the state competition ahead and could not wait to see how all our hard work paid off.

The voicemail began and I couldn’t understand her. She was crying and shaky and I listened to it 3 times before deciphering what she said. I can still visualize that exact moment 8 years later.

Bottom line, one of our guy friends had committed suicide. One of the most friendly, intelligent, happy, loving guys I had ever met was gone. And let me tell you—I don’t use “most friendly” or “happy” lightly in a “that’s what you say about people who died” kind of way. He is still hands-down one of the friendliest and happiest guys I have ever known.

My mind was blown. I had to pull it together for the next two days because I was responsible for rallying my jr. high cheer squad to do our BEST performance at state. It was my idea for us to compete, so the competition weighed heavily on me. I also had to somehow land a standing back flip for my club cheer squad that I had yet to land in practice. Endless hours of practice had gone in to these next 2 days. These things seemed so petty with this glaring news, but some things just have to be done. Life couldn’t stop. Life couldn’t pause and people were counting on me.

I have never truly shared how this day or event has changed my life. {And yes, my life was changed more than just the stress of making it through a state cheer competition.} I plan to share a least one {if not two} more posts about this life-changing and life-giving event. Thanks for joining me as I unpack this event that is still difficult to talk about.