Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Beautiful disaster

The title of this blog describes my past month. March was a beautiful disaster. I sit here and wonder where the entire month even went.

I did a lot of things I'd never done before--the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Let's start with some of the good: I have actually committed to running! WOO! I can consistently run 2 miles without stopping. I am having a lot of fun playing around with my strides, pace, and duration of running without stopping. I have begun to run in my neighborhood more which has zillions of hills. I can confidently face them without stopping or turning around. My stride slows significantly, but it's such an exhilarating challenge. I actually just got back from a 2.25 mile run and I ran probably 2 miles of it. Hoorah. I love pushing past the pain in my legs and running to the beat of my music as I reflect on the chaos I've created in my life. I even got in a 4 mile run somewhere along the way. Now when I begin to run I instantly feel on pace and happy--it is fantastic.

Two weeks ago was my UW spring break, but I still had 8-4 work at the EEU. I lived that spring break like a freshman in college. Fill in the blanks as to what you think that would look like. I am going to spare the embarrassing details. That Friday at work my coworkers were astonished by my stories. One even mentioned he was a bit worried--which is a lot coming from him. However, another coworker pulled me aside that morning and told me that it was okay that I was a mess right now. That is was okay that I was letting loose and finding myself again.

Oh. my. goodness.

He had no idea how that truth would literally set me free. At that point I began to stop searching for some crazy outlet to hide the pain I was feeling. Of course, the next week consisted of lots of crying--which I hadn't allowed myself to do yet. There has been lots of crying. Lots of realizing I am losing my best friend and then having to search for my breath again because the thought of that is so heartbreaking? devastating? unfathomable? All of those words don't quite hit the mark of the emotion, but you get the point. I'm finally showing the world the real hurt that is going on inside.

{Did everyone just think I was coping really well? I'm not sure but I've felt super alone over here.} I assume the fact that I have been laughing it all off the past few weeks and making a fool of myself that everyone just thought I was okay. It is also not easy for me to come to people for emotional help or advice. I love to be the person people go to, but prefer to cry alone.

Anyway, you can see that I am still very much processing what is going on in my life. The next step to all of this processing is going to be messy. When life is so entwined with someone else's, the teasing apart of each life is painful. Oh and to top that off, I got hives this week for the first time in my life. Had a small outbreak yesterday, some more this morning, and then more during class tonight. Freakin' fabulous. What's next?

On another happy note, I have made huge strides with my kids a school--I just love them so much. I have also really screwed up with kids at school by making a wrong decision or a wrong direction, so I've learned a lot in that realm as well during the month of March. I just began a new quarter at UW--my last quarter of my 1st year of graduate school!

Overall, there are some good days and some really bad days, but life continues. At church on Sunday, Pastor Richard talked about renouncing the lies and turning toward the truths. I am just beginning to unfold all the lies I have let seep into my life and have made me view aspects of myself and my life in a different way. My roommates and a few new close friends have been amazing support in helping me see the truth. More to come. Join me again soon!


Angela said...

I'm glad you're seeing all of these in this time, friend. as you've said, it's really hard but pushing through the hurt and the hard parts is always good fur us.

jordy liz said...

hoping you get through this transition. you are never alone!

Cheryl said...

Lauren, I am so incredibly proud of you with keeping up with running and being able to run for 2 miles without stopping now! That is inspiring! I, myself, am not into running from an old ankle injury and knees that hurt from running...but I truly admire those that do run. I have at least started going on brisk walks again here recently. Better than nothing. :o) It's been nice to get out of the house while the weather is still decent here. I need to start doing my yoga video too. I've gotten hives once before too. No fun at all! Mercy, you've definitely been going through a lot!!! You're still in our thoughts and prayers. We love you soooo much and miss you and just want the best for you and for you to be happy and at peace. You're amazing, sister! Please call me back when you get the chance. I'd love to talk with you soon. Love you!