Friday, August 16, 2013

The Most Me

I wrote a post here in July of 2011. I was in a place of wanting to figure out myself and what I wanted out of life on a deep level.

From Spring 2011 onward, I went through about 10 months of lots of soul searching, lots of guilt, and feeling pulled in so many different directions. I wanted to figure out what truly made me happy and what made me feel the most "me." I had reached a point where my faith did not sit right with me anymore and I wanted to live a life without that to see how that felt. I can only say all of things because this has been something I have been really thinking about over the past two years and I now feel compelled to say it out loud---via the blog world.

The worst part of this choice is I felt estranged from everyone for quite some time. My family was always my family and accepted me as such. But, when I ventured away from strict Christianity, I felt guilty if I talked to any of those former friends, and I just wasn't ready to have any of "those" conversations.  Consequently, those friendships vanished. I had to start from scratch, which was lonely. It felt awkward for a long time--like I was in limbo between my former self and who I was becoming. I

I now no longer feel like my former self and "what I was becoming" are two separate worlds. I've begun to connect with a few old friends again because I finally feel right in my own skin. I feel like myself and I can finally talk about it. I still feel like I may disappoint people or draw uncomfortable comments/conversations. I will never be "okay" with that fact, but I am comfortable enough because I have finally gained enough confidence in myself. 

I cannot say I have it all figured out in the least, but I feel happier in the process. I am figuring out my spirituality and faith day-by-day as I continue to strive for what makes me feel the most "me." Looking back on that quote I posted 2 years ago, speaks volumes to what I've been doing over the past 2 years--letting go of the life I had planned in order to figure out what is ahead of me. It's that simple.

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