Brothers & Sisters

I have been watching a lot of this show on Netflix {since I finished the entire series of Grey's...}:

I have seen this show off and on in the past because my parents used to save it on the DVR. I love watching shows that are simply about family dynamics. (ex: 7th Heaven, Parenthood, ect) I love love love that beyond all their drama in their own lives, the Walkers (the main family in this show) always have each other's backs, always love each other, and always spend time together. My crazy family is so much like them. We all have drastically different lifestyles, but love each other all the same.

One person who is particularly like someone in my family is this woman:

Nora Walker (Sally Fields character in this show) is a more neurotic and more intense version of my own mother. She is the glue that holds the family together. She is always planning family get togethers, making sure everyone is doing okay, putting out the fires of our arguments, and constantly doing everything she can for us. I laugh to myself as I watch her children roll their eyes at some of the things she does for them or when they tell her to just stop. At times things may seem too much (like always cleaning our rooms), but she does those things because she loves her kids and just wants to make life easier for them however she can. This is exactly my wonderful mother. This show has single-handedly made me realize I have a future in Arizona.

...which actually sort of bums me out. You all might be surprised to hear this, but I have absolutely fallen in love with the city of Seattle. I love all the trees and the coffee and the places to run. I love that it is hard to find a parking spot and that there are too many hills to count because that is just part of life here. I love Seattle for all it has to offer. I love that everyone owns a brightly colored raincoat and a pair of rain boots. I love this city and would absolutely love to settle down and maintain a life here. I just could never do that at the expense of not seeing my family. I do not particularly love Arizona...at all. It's hot, not very pretty, kind of a bubble, not very diverse, ect ect.

But watching the Walkers randomly pop in to each other's houses, all showing up at the hospital when a child is hurt, attending countless family events together--all of those things without a doubt overshadow my love for Seattle. I still plan to buckle down here in Seattle and live life here as much as possible because I don't know where and when God will move me out of this city. Lately, my mind has become very open to any new opportunities that come my way.

I am in such an exciting place in my life where I do not yet have obligations that hold me to a certain schedule or lifestyle. I am excited to dig deeper in my relationship with Christ this summer as I get to know myself again and learn who He made me to be. I do not have enough time to do young life right now, so I plan to get involved in the high school ministry at my church up here because I miss ministering to high school kids so so much. The psychology part of me misses listening to the hurts and joys in the lives of high school kids and providing the needed guidance, support, and love to these kids. Now to finishing up that cover letter that has been looming over my head for a few weeks...

Music heals a heart

Music has definitely been a huge part of my life lately. This song by Sarah Barellis

that I talked about before describes exactly how I've been feeling. Being a serial

dater, I've had a lot of broken hearts and hard break ups in my day, but this is 

still like nothing I have ever felt before. I've definitely been living the cliche'

line of "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Here I come to keep getting

stronger!

No words, my tears won't make any room for more 

And it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before 

This is no broken heart, no familiar scars 

This territory goes uncharted...  

Just me in a room sunk down in a house in a town 

And I don't breathe 

Though I never meant to let it get away from me 

Now I'm too much to hold, 

everybody has to get their hands on gold 

And I want uncharted 

Stuck under the ceiling I made, 

I can't help the feeling...  

I'm going down Follow if you want, 

I won't just hang around 

Like you'll show me where to go 

I'm already out of foolproof ideas 

So don't ask me how to get started 

It's all uncharted 

It's All Uncharted

Here is another collection of gifts I made for Christmas. I forget where I even found the idea of mod-podging book pages onto canvas, but I loved the idea and have zillions of ideas of other pieces of art I can make with this simple medium.

The first piece was for my sister, Alyssa. She has been involved in theatre all her life, so the drama faces seemed like a good fit. They were a pain to trace, glue, and glitter. I was determined to use the purple glitter (her favorite color). The book pages were from Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist--the first play my sister and I ever acted in together. Super sentimental, right? {Poor lighting in my room lead to not the clearest pictures...I need to work on that}

The next piece is for my sister-in-law, Cheryl and my beautiful baby niece, Brynn. The book was called the Tao of Pooh, which I thought was clever and fun. I just mod-podged on some letters I cut from scrapbook paper and tied the bow to make it a bit more feminine!

Just downloaded some new music today that I'm pretty excited about. Mumford & Sons, Sara Bareilles, Alexi Murdoch, & some Missy Higgins -- semi random selection.

I also just got back from a 3 mile run! I am super excited that I can now run 3 miles in the time I was running 2 miles before. Add in the elevation factor and I am getting a rockin' work out. Hoorah! I told myself that once I can run 5 miles 3 times a week...I can spend some cash on cool work out clothing and maybe new shoes. I think I should set up some sort of weekly reinforcement schedule....hmmm love this idea.

Have I mentioned yet that I might spend my summer in Spain as a live-in au pair for a Spanish family? We're still in the works of emailing and figuring things out, but I am getting super excited. The family lives 2 miles from the beach and has two little boys--oh it would be grand!

Another exciting note...MY PARENTS COME NEXT WEEK!!!! April 16 - 24 and I couldn't be more excited. I have created an extensive "things to do" list and cannot wait to eat delicious food and explore more of Seattle. I am keeping my fingers crossed for little to no rain. I think my mom is getting pretty worried about the rain--it is not at all like the pouring rain often shown on Grey's Anatomy. It barely pours like that. If anyone has any "must do" Seattle ideas, please let me know!

{My mood has clearly improved. I am guessing it is predominately from the endorphins I received from running...don't be too fooled.}

The good days are slowly balancing out the bad. The future seems very "uncharted"--a term I'm stealing from a Sara Bareilles song I just downloaded. Not sure where I will live in the fall, what I will be doing this summer, where I will be working next year. For someone who loves clear cut plans, it's honestly pretty scary. I am trying to embrace the adventure of it and stay positive. I have lots of options for each unknown, which is quite exciting and quite the gift.

As Sara B. says in her "Uncharted" song--I am out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how to get started. One day at a time...here I come!

Beautiful disaster

The title of this blog describes my past month. March was a beautiful disaster. I sit here and wonder where the entire month even went.

I did a lot of things I'd never done before--the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Let's start with some of the good: I have actually committed to running! WOO! I can consistently run 2 miles without stopping. I am having a lot of fun playing around with my strides, pace, and duration of running without stopping. I have begun to run in my neighborhood more which has zillions of hills. I can confidently face them without stopping or turning around. My stride slows significantly, but it's such an exhilarating challenge. I actually just got back from a 2.25 mile run and I ran probably 2 miles of it. Hoorah. I love pushing past the pain in my legs and running to the beat of my music as I reflect on the chaos I've created in my life. I even got in a 4 mile run somewhere along the way. Now when I begin to run I instantly feel on pace and happy--it is fantastic.

Two weeks ago was my UW spring break, but I still had 8-4 work at the EEU. I lived that spring break like a freshman in college. Fill in the blanks as to what you think that would look like. I am going to spare the embarrassing details. That Friday at work my coworkers were astonished by my stories. One even mentioned he was a bit worried--which is a lot coming from him. However, another coworker pulled me aside that morning and told me that it was okay that I was a mess right now. That is was okay that I was letting loose and finding myself again.

Oh. my. goodness.

He had no idea how that truth would literally set me free. At that point I began to stop searching for some crazy outlet to hide the pain I was feeling. Of course, the next week consisted of lots of crying--which I hadn't allowed myself to do yet. There has been lots of crying. Lots of realizing I am losing my best friend and then having to search for my breath again because the thought of that is so heartbreaking? devastating? unfathomable? All of those words don't quite hit the mark of the emotion, but you get the point. I'm finally showing the world the real hurt that is going on inside.

{Did everyone just think I was coping really well? I'm not sure but I've felt super alone over here.} I assume the fact that I have been laughing it all off the past few weeks and making a fool of myself that everyone just thought I was okay. It is also not easy for me to come to people for emotional help or advice. I love to be the person people go to, but prefer to cry alone.

Anyway, you can see that I am still very much processing what is going on in my life. The next step to all of this processing is going to be messy. When life is so entwined with someone else's, the teasing apart of each life is painful. Oh and to top that off, I got hives this week for the first time in my life. Had a small outbreak yesterday, some more this morning, and then more during class tonight. Freakin' fabulous. What's next?

On another happy note, I have made huge strides with my kids a school--I just love them so much. I have also really screwed up with kids at school by making a wrong decision or a wrong direction, so I've learned a lot in that realm as well during the month of March. I just began a new quarter at UW--my last quarter of my 1st year of graduate school!

Overall, there are some good days and some really bad days, but life continues. At church on Sunday, Pastor Richard talked about renouncing the lies and turning toward the truths. I am just beginning to unfold all the lies I have let seep into my life and have made me view aspects of myself and my life in a different way. My roommates and a few new close friends have been amazing support in helping me see the truth. More to come. Join me again soon!